the neverending
By Je
-
sunlight on dim eyelids - the awakening
surge of confusion - where am I? what am I?
gradual identification - I’m myself: name, date, location (but they’re just meaningless squiggles on a piece of paper)
don’t worry, you’re still alive (for now, at least)
glance at the clock - it’s only morning, still. twenty-four hours, you can do it. (but then why do I despair?)
no,
I can't do it
fall back into bed - there’s too much to think about, too much to stress
I’m going to explode
I don’t want to deal with this.
nap for another three hours
useless
useless
useless
drag myself into action - organizing, writing, doing, thinking, being (not really)
just stick to the schedule - fifteen minute break, and then back to work, work, work
eat too much
dirty plates, greasy fingers
disgust.
Distractions - haunting thoughts that won’t go away
holding my head, shutting my eyes
screaming in my head, I open my mouth but nothing comes out
losing control. I can’t think-
huddle on the bathroom floor, where it’s dark and calm and hot angry tears, nobody here to see me break, release my insanity-
losingcontroldesperategonedyingitsallfallingapartwhatswrongwithmewhatswrongwithmeredREDREDRED
STOP.
...stop.
get up and pull yourself together, there’s more to do, there’s always more
pack it all up, get back into bed
good job, you’ve done well today
pat yourself on the back
you’re almost done.
the day is almost over, and then you can sleep and forget about everything
glow in the dark stars lull me away
and I’m unchained till the next morning, till the next awakening
the cycles, they never end
but I like to think they do
so that one day, I can put everything behind me, and close the door softly, and listen to that final click, and shut it all away
disappearing, falling, fading
free
-
-
sunlight on dim eyelids - the awakening
surge of confusion - where am I? what am I?
gradual identification - I’m myself: name, date, location (but they’re just meaningless squiggles on a piece of paper)
don’t worry, you’re still alive (for now, at least)
glance at the clock - it’s only morning, still. twenty-four hours, you can do it. (but then why do I despair?)
no,
I can't do it
fall back into bed - there’s too much to think about, too much to stress
I’m going to explode
I don’t want to deal with this.
nap for another three hours
useless
useless
useless
drag myself into action - organizing, writing, doing, thinking, being (not really)
just stick to the schedule - fifteen minute break, and then back to work, work, work
eat too much
dirty plates, greasy fingers
disgust.
Distractions - haunting thoughts that won’t go away
holding my head, shutting my eyes
screaming in my head, I open my mouth but nothing comes out
losing control. I can’t think-
huddle on the bathroom floor, where it’s dark and calm and hot angry tears, nobody here to see me break, release my insanity-
losingcontroldesperategonedyingitsallfallingapartwhatswrongwithmewhatswrongwithmeredREDREDRED
STOP.
...stop.
get up and pull yourself together, there’s more to do, there’s always more
pack it all up, get back into bed
good job, you’ve done well today
pat yourself on the back
you’re almost done.
the day is almost over, and then you can sleep and forget about everything
glow in the dark stars lull me away
and I’m unchained till the next morning, till the next awakening
the cycles, they never end
but I like to think they do
so that one day, I can put everything behind me, and close the door softly, and listen to that final click, and shut it all away
disappearing, falling, fading
free
-