Internal Wounds, Unseen
By Je
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She looks up at me with wide eyes. Her face is bare skin and bones, and her cheeks are so hollow I can trace the shadows that are painted underneath them. Her arms and legs are tiny little things, and her body is frail and delicate. She is so delicate as to be insubstantial, and I hold my breath, afraid to breathe too loudly in case this fragile human being named Isabel withers away. I see the beauty in Isabel’s gauntness, wish I was just as gaunt, though I knows the desire is perverse and wrong. But I want it so badly that the wanting of the thing crashes over me and takes my breath away. I shift my body a little, trying to make Isabel more comfortable, then realize my mistake and cry out. It’s too late, and Isabel dissolves into dust faster than my cry ends. I run after the trail of dust, but all too soon I’m left far behind and fall to my knees, clutching my chest and gasping with sobs. The scene shifts in a swirling and blurring of clashing colors, and now I’m on a garishly decorated cruise ship, watching Evelyn perform to an eager crowd. Evelyn throws herself into the air and extends her arms out, stomach parallel to the floor. I wait for her to fall, but she doesn’t; instead, she floats above the ground, seemingly weightless, as the crowd roars with approval. The cheering gets into my head and hurts terribly. I try to do what Evelyn did, but I keep falling. I make my way over to Evelyn, who is still floating, and ask, “How do you do that? Float like that?” Evelyn leans in close, a terrible, knowing glint in her eyes, and I flinch hard, suddenly feel as if I’ve made a terrible mistake. Regardless, I stay where I am. I have to know this secret. I don’t know why I need to know so badly, but it seems in that moment that my entire existence depends on the knowing of it. Evelyn’s hot breath tingles on my neck, and she whispers, “You have to cut down on calories. You have to be skinny and light to float, you know.” My worst fears, the ones I didn't know existed until this moment, are confirmed, and I fall back, shaking my head desperately. “No! No! I’m skinny enough, aren’t I?” Evelyn chuckles, shows the points of her teeth, and then starts laughing uncontrollably. I back away, still frantically shaking my head in denial of the terrible truth - I’m fat, fat, fat! - and Evelyn’s skin peels away, then the rest of her body, and her face melts into an orange monster with mouth open wide, diving at me, eating me-
I wake up with ‘No!’ still lingering on my lips. My mouth is dry, my breath stinks. My pillow is wet, and my forehead is slick with sweat. I clutch at my stomach, drag hard sharp fingernails as punishment, imprinted red claw marks that trail down my skin. Willing the horrible fat to go away, but it doesn’t. It stays there, and I hate myself more for it.
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She looks up at me with wide eyes. Her face is bare skin and bones, and her cheeks are so hollow I can trace the shadows that are painted underneath them. Her arms and legs are tiny little things, and her body is frail and delicate. She is so delicate as to be insubstantial, and I hold my breath, afraid to breathe too loudly in case this fragile human being named Isabel withers away. I see the beauty in Isabel’s gauntness, wish I was just as gaunt, though I knows the desire is perverse and wrong. But I want it so badly that the wanting of the thing crashes over me and takes my breath away. I shift my body a little, trying to make Isabel more comfortable, then realize my mistake and cry out. It’s too late, and Isabel dissolves into dust faster than my cry ends. I run after the trail of dust, but all too soon I’m left far behind and fall to my knees, clutching my chest and gasping with sobs. The scene shifts in a swirling and blurring of clashing colors, and now I’m on a garishly decorated cruise ship, watching Evelyn perform to an eager crowd. Evelyn throws herself into the air and extends her arms out, stomach parallel to the floor. I wait for her to fall, but she doesn’t; instead, she floats above the ground, seemingly weightless, as the crowd roars with approval. The cheering gets into my head and hurts terribly. I try to do what Evelyn did, but I keep falling. I make my way over to Evelyn, who is still floating, and ask, “How do you do that? Float like that?” Evelyn leans in close, a terrible, knowing glint in her eyes, and I flinch hard, suddenly feel as if I’ve made a terrible mistake. Regardless, I stay where I am. I have to know this secret. I don’t know why I need to know so badly, but it seems in that moment that my entire existence depends on the knowing of it. Evelyn’s hot breath tingles on my neck, and she whispers, “You have to cut down on calories. You have to be skinny and light to float, you know.” My worst fears, the ones I didn't know existed until this moment, are confirmed, and I fall back, shaking my head desperately. “No! No! I’m skinny enough, aren’t I?” Evelyn chuckles, shows the points of her teeth, and then starts laughing uncontrollably. I back away, still frantically shaking my head in denial of the terrible truth - I’m fat, fat, fat! - and Evelyn’s skin peels away, then the rest of her body, and her face melts into an orange monster with mouth open wide, diving at me, eating me-
I wake up with ‘No!’ still lingering on my lips. My mouth is dry, my breath stinks. My pillow is wet, and my forehead is slick with sweat. I clutch at my stomach, drag hard sharp fingernails as punishment, imprinted red claw marks that trail down my skin. Willing the horrible fat to go away, but it doesn’t. It stays there, and I hate myself more for it.
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